


I Don't Want to Talk About it

by simonsnowisgay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Connor is a little shit, Dream Blow Jobs, M/M, Panic Attacks, a lot of not dream rutting, and get frisky, evan knows what hes into, eventual first time, mainly evan tho, on account of his cccrippling anxiety, probably a school dance, theres smut tbh, theyre in love, tree bros talk about their feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 06:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14099667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonsnowisgay/pseuds/simonsnowisgay
Summary: Connor and Evan have a relationship. They don't have a label, and Evan is getting increasingly stressed by his enjoyment of all the Not Platonic Things that are happening.





	1. one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends its mari. 
> 
> Summary?  
> evan is a disaster bi

Evan Hansen is mentally ill. He has good days and bad days.  
Today is a bad day, he thinks, tugging a shirt over his head. He jogs down the steps and turns the corner and narrowly misses his mom. His hands find the hem of his shirt to play with. An anchor, because today is, like he said, a bad day.  
His mother smiles and walks into the kitchen. Evan follows, rubbing the fabric between his fingers. 

“I was worried you’d overslept.”

“No, I um.. No. I’m fine.”

Heidi doesn’t look up from where her hands are moving, and Evan realizes she’s chopping strawberries. His fingers feel raw from the cotton, so he switches to shoving his left hand halfway into his pocket and curling his fingers over and over. 

It is a Bad Day. 

“Well that’s great!” She says. Evan can see where her eyebrows lift up, creasing her forehead. She looks aged.

 _I did that._ He thinks. _I ruined both of us._

Evan knows he’s exaggerating, but he also knows he’s partially right. He hasn’t said anything back yet, and he doesn’t know what to say.

“Yeah, thanks mom.” Evan tries to smile. It hurts his jaw, and his face starts to twitch, because Evan is a collection of gross habits and social malfunctions. 

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket, and after checking he finds a text from Connor. Evan feels relieved. 

“I, um. So. Zoe is picking me up, I gotta go.”

“Oh, alright. Here,” Heidi scoops the strawberries into a ziploc and slides it shut on the first attempt, like mothers do.  
“Thanks.” Evan says, and awkwardly hugs her on his way out. 

She beams. 

He breathes.

Evan gets into the back seat with Connor and doesn’t say anything. Connor flicks him.  
Zoe is scrolling through her music in the front, and Evan is vaguely aware that Connor might be staring at him. 

A quick glance confirms that _yes, Connor is staring at him._ He’s smiling a little which is a rare sight to behold, and something twists in Evan’s stomach. Maybe today will be a Good Day?

“Zoe’s music is shit.” Connor says. He’s picking at the polish on his fingers, and Zoe flips him off.  


❤︎  
The Good Day becomes a Great Day when Connor flicks him in English. Evan starts worrying that the teacher will notice, but she’s too busy grading papers.  
They’re supposed to be reading the next five chapters, but Connor is persistent.  
After the third flick, Evan gives in and flicks him back. Connor smiles. Evan feels that feeling in his stomach again, and it is not unwelcome. The attention is nice, even if his relationship with Connor is blurry and undefined, which makes Evan nervous. 

_We hang out sometimes,_ Evan thinks. He’s pulling at the edge of his shirt, not looking at Connor.

 _Usually during school, but sometimes at Connor’s house. Mine too lately.._ Which was new and nerve wracking at first because Evan doesn’t usually have people over.  
Evan’s phone buzzes while he’s stealing a look at Connor, but Connor is on his phone, texting Evan.

Evan gets caught staring. Connor looks at him expectantly, so Evan drops his shirt to check his phone.

`To: Evangreen`  


`From: Connor  
`

` `This is lame` `

` `` `

Evan can’t help but agree. His free hand needs something to do, so he cracks his knuckles and winces when the boy a few rows ahead turns to look. 

` `To: Connor` `

` `From: Evan` `

` `Yeah` `

Connor looks at him again and Evan knows that Connor expects a better answer, because he’s bored, and Evan can’t even entertain him long enough when there’s nothing better to do and-

 

`To: Evangreen`  


`From: Connor  
`

` `I can see you freaking out from here. It's fine, you're good` `

Evan knows he is not good because today has been Every Kind of Day now. His nerves are shot and he wants more than anything to go home and take a nap.

`To: Evangreen`  


`From: Connor  
`

` `You should invite me over, I want to sleep after school and Larry is going to yell` `

Evan manages a smile.

` `To: Connor` `

` `From: Evan` `

` `Yeah okay` `

❤︎

They walk to Evan’s after school, and Evan spends a majority of the walk thinking about his other classes and how today was not as bad as he thought it would be. 

As they turn onto Evan’s street, Connor takes his hand, and Evan’s heart races.

“You were cracking your knuckles again.” Connor says, and Evan just nods.  
Their hands stay entwined.  
Evan feels good, and Connor offers a bud to share his music.

The house is empty. Heidi is working late. She works late every night, Evan says. Connor finds a spot on the sofa, ready to make a nest. 

He’s arranging pillows when Evan clears his throat.

Evan looks almost helpless the way he’s floating by the stairs. His eyes don’t settle on one place, and Connor’s eyes move to watch Evan fidget. Evan’s day had been a series of ups and downs, twists and turns. A rollercoaster that twisted his stomach into knots and left his palms sweating. Connor looked like he was thinking, and Evan recalled one of their first handful of encounters. Evan was tucked into the last stall of the third floor bathroom having a panic attack when the door swung open and Connor’s boots thudded across the floor before coming to a stop.

_Hey dude, you uh. Okay in there?_

_No._ Is the chopped reply.  
_Bad Day?_

_Please. Please don’t ask me how my.. My day was. Not good it.. It was. No._

_Hey, hey, just try to calm down._

Knobby bones held together by slim hands had helped him out of the ball he didn’t remember folding into. A brush of brown hair touched his cheek. Connor made that terrible day better. 

Present Day Connor snaps his ponytail against his wrist, bringing Evan back to the living room.

“What’s up, Ev?”

“You can like, come to my room if you.. If you want.”

“Your bed is so fucking tiny,” Connor says, righting himself, padding across the living room and meeting Evan at the foot of the steps. Connor fully intends on hogging the covers.

This is something they do in their blurry, undefined friendship. It does not make Evan nervous like so many things do.

Connor is the big spoon, and Evan stays quiet and listens for Connor’s heartbeat, because he likes to be reminded that they are alive. 

Evan falls asleep first, and Connor focuses on how smooth the inside of Evan’s wrist is until he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took forever to upload bc ao3 hates me. i've got the next two chapter written already, I just need to think of an upload schedule.
> 
> feel free to leave comments/kudos  
> they keep me alive
> 
> hope you enjoyed the first bits and whats in store!! 
> 
> bug me on tumblr @milkygems


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like Suffering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im posting this in quick succession to the first chapter because I have no impulse control. Enjoy!

Connor is the first to rouse, realizing that the sun is very much set. He checks his phone. 

“Shit, it’s already seven.” He grumbles.

Evan stirs, and Connor goes deathly still. He didn’t mean to wake his friend. 

Friend? 

Connor knows that a friend doesn’t think about another friend the way he thinks about Evan, but Connor is too fucked to sort out his feelings. The warmth in his chest that rises when Evan shifts in his arms is enough to keep him happy. 

“Mmgh.” Evan twists to be closer to Connor.

“Sorry.” Connor smiles for a fourth time today, and Evan can’t see it.

“What time is it?” Evan is rubbing his left eye and reaching for his phone.

“Little past seven. I can go if you need me to.”

“No, I want you to stay.” Evan sounds more confident than he looks. Connor is certain that Evan is worrying about what he will say, so he says what he knows they both want to hear.

“Okay. Scoot over a little, you’re hogging the bed.”

“You’ve got all the legs.” Evan says into Connor’s chest. 

Connor snorts. Evan flicks his arms, and they snuggle closer together.

♥

When Evan finally gets up it’s closer to eight and Connor is passed out, covering so much of the bed that Evan has to lay half on top of him.

Evan tries to wake Connor up gently, but Connor jolts awake despite the light prods.

“Sorry,” Evan says instinctively. 

“S’fine.” Connor sits up, folding his legs, and two halves of the bed are opened for Evan to actually sit. Evan scoots until there’s a few feet between them. Connor stares at Evan, and Evan stares back. He cracks his knuckles because they don’t quite fit together. That blurry, undefined part of their relationship rears its head. Evan wants to say something but doesn’t. 

“Hey,” Connor says.

“Hey.” Evan replies.

“Do you ever want to.. Do something about this?” Connor gestures to Evan’s bedroom, and Evan knows that Connor means the relationship. 

He winces anyway, because this is sort of a confrontation for the months of platonically gay things they’ve been doing, and Evan hates confrontation.

“What.. What do you mean?” Evan reaches for his shirt, and Connor takes his hand before he can rub his thumb raw.

“This.” He says, holding Evan’s hand. “Us, I mean.”

“Us..” Evan echoes. He’s getting nervous. Connor rubs his hand, and Evan feels a little better. 

It’s not enough. 

“Yeah.” Connor says, and it's just barely a whisper. Evan feels it brush past him because he's sinking again, and he can feel the water rising and rising until he's gasping for breath.

Connor is sitting in front of him and he’s touching Evan like he's fragile (because Evan is very fragile, they both are). Evan needs to say something, but his throat closes up and his eyesight blurs with tears. He’s falling into a river.  

“Evan,” Connor touches his cheek, and Evan can’t force himself to look up because he's ruining the moment and Connor must hate him. 

He takes Evan and maneuvers them against the wall so Evan can cry into his chest. 

“Ev, it's okay, I promise.” He has never been good at processing his own emotions, let alone Evan fucking Hansen's. 

Evan is back in a river. He's sinking further from Connor, heaving against what feels like Connor’s chest, and Connor is making sure Evan isn’t choking on spit. It’s dark and cold and Evan is choking on his breath, struggling to just  _ breathe _ , because he’s so  _ worthless _ , and he knows he needs to  _ calm down _ . 

He’s trying to come back up. He wants to more than anything, because this is his chance to finally tell someone- Connor- how he feels. It is a chance to  _ make _ something happen instead of  _ letting _ something happen. 

Connor makes something happen.

“I.. Fuck, I don't know Evan, I know this shit makes you uncomfortable and scared and.. and it makes me scared too. We’re both pretty fucked.” Connor immediately regrets his word choice. 

However, Evan is starting to settle into the warm embrace. He's breathing softer, sobs slowing down until he's wiping his eyes and,  _ god,  _ Connor thinks,

_ I want to stare into his eyes forever _ . 

“But I know that you’re the reason I.. The reason I want to, like, not die. Because seeing you makes every shit thing about my life completely bearable.” Connor pauses, because he wants to say this right. Evan isn't moving. 

Connor feels his heart speed up.

“I want us to.. to be more.” 

It’s quiet, except for the thrum of Evan’s old ceiling fan that’s three years past it’s life expectancy. 

“More?” Evan’s still staring and Connor is on the verge of a heart attack. 

“Yeah.” 

A beat.

Connor recoils, kind of folding in on himself in the worst way. Evan sees the way Connor’s eyes darken, and he needs to fix this mess he's made. Evan can't think. 

He  _ doesn't  _ think. 

He kisses Connor, and Connor kisses him back. 

They fumble when Evan tries to climb into Connor’s lap, because Connor is safe and far away from any rivers.

Connor isn't sure how they're doing. He's still got Evan’s mouth on his, and they’re breathing harder. Evan lets out this little hum, and Connor grabs Evan’s waist (anything to hear that noise again. He does, and it's the best thing he's experienced in seventeen years). They must be doing good. 

Evan ends up with his hands in Connor’s hair, tugging a little to make sure Connor is still under him because this doesn't feel real enough. Connor is going to disappear and Evan will be alone.

He's not alone. 

Connor parts their mouths, breath heavy. 

“You okay Hansen?”

“Mmh,” Evan knows his face is red and it's embarrassing. The color deepens when Connor noses his way down Evan’s throat. The kisses he leaves are softer than before, until he nips the skin of Evan’s collarbone. 

“ _ Ow,  _ okay, t-that was good. Feels.. Feels good.” Evan rasps.

“You think I'm  _ good _ ?” Connor’s got a teasing lilt in his voice, and Evan doesn't want to think about the fact that they're both hard. He fucking hates teenage hormones. 

There isn’t any room left in Evan Hansen’s brain because Connor is occupying every piece of him.

“Connor-” Evan grips the black shirt Connor is wearing and anchors himself there. He’s scared of slipping away. 

Any semblance of thought is crushed out of existence because Connor is pressed against him. Evan can’t remember another time when he felt so high up.

He remembers the breeze through, watching the leaves sway and looking at the distance between the branch and the ground. A phantom pain runs through his arm. Evan is pulled back from his intrusive thoughts. 

“I like it when you say my name.” Connor says, laughing, and it's genuine. Evan feels warm.

“I um. I don't want to disappoint you-”

“You won't.”

“What if I-”

“It'll be okay.”

“But what if you don't like-”

“Evan.” Connor cuts him off and their eyes meet. “We don't have to do anything but make out and ignore our boners if that's what you want.” 

They're looking at each other, feeling weightless. Evan can't think of the river anymore. 

“T-That’s what I want.”

“Alright Hansen, I'm gonna make your mouth go numb.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop Connor is a tease. Smut next chapter? Lmk in the comments.  
> Side note, I'm going to New York in a few days for the weekend, so I'm not sure if chapter 3 will be ready in a week, but lord knows ill try. 
> 
> Feel free to message me on tumblr, I love sinning and crying @milkygems
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets what he Deserves. Connor also makes a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me?? finally updating??? yeah. I wrote this in class and its completely unproofed and unbetad. I love suffering!!!

“Ev,” Connor’s tongue darts out to lick his lips. “Ev, just a little more towards the-  _ t-tip _ . Yeah.” Connor plants his hand in Evan’s hair, careful not to push him further down. Evan wants to set the pace.

Sweat beads on the blonde’s forehead as he focuses on swallowing Connor down. His own dick is pulsing between his legs, forgotten in favor of turning his boyfriend into a pile of goo. Evan wants to do good.  _ Needs  _ to do good, he tells himself over and over. He needs the praise that Connor is so willing to give.

“I haven’t done this before.” Evan nervously pratters once their hands stray past the safety of clothes. The unknown forms a lump in his throat. Again, he finds himself at a roadblock, unable to string the words together to just tell Connor what he needs. 

“Me neither.” Connor says, sweeping a finger along Evan’s collarbone. “But I’m okay with taking it slow. Nerves and all.” A small smile. Evan leans in to kiss his nose.

“Okay, but I’m gonna be terrible.”

“My dick doesn’t know the difference.” Connor counters. “Besides, seeing you between my legs will probably finish me off before you can even wrap your-”

“-Okay!” Evan cuts him off, eyes drawn down to the knees of his jeans. “Okay, I got it.” 

Connor’s grin widens. “Okay Evan.”

♡  
  


“Yes?” Evan murmurs, sitting up in his undersized bed. Connor jolts a little, groaning at the uncomfortable ache between his legs. His heavy eyelids confirm what he doesn’t want to believe. 

“What, leaf boy?”

“I’m not a- whatever. You said um. When you were sleeping. You called my name? Not that I was listening! I was just watching you and..”

“It was a dream.” Connor says, lost in thought on how to make his boner disappear. He settles on the time his drunk grandmother overshared at the Thanksgiving family dinner.

_ Grandpa keeps his nails trimmed because I like to spice things up sometimes with, _

His dick flags. Evan pretends not to notice. 

“A dream? Like the kind of dream where you wake up hard?” Evan teases him. Connor’s eyebrows raise and he scoots back to sit up, crossing his legs to give Evan more room. 

Connor doesn’t miss a beat. “Yes.” 

The sureness in his voice causes Evan’s nerve drop. “Oh.” He says softer than before, rubbing some of his shirt between his thumb and forefinger. Connor takes his hand, presses a kiss to his thumb.

“I was thinking of you.” He assures.

“I-I know. I’m glad, it's just still..” Evan’s hand is three quarters the size of Connor’s. He pulls his hand from Connor’s grasp, buries both of his hands into his lap.

“Scary?” 

“Yeah.” Evan looks at where his hands are buried. Furrows his brows. “It makes me.. It makes me angry.” He says with clarity, as if he is finally able to piece together a part of his scattered brain. “I want to.. I want to kiss you, and I like when.. You know, when we rub against each other.”

“A very good feeling.” Connor says. 

“But I guess the other stuff still scares me.”

“That’s okay Ev. This is our relationship. It’s like. It’s a two way street, yeah? We work together.” Connor reaches between them to squeeze Evan’s shoulder. He sounds sure of himself, and Evan finds himself believing Connor. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not good at comforting or, like, talking, either. We can be kinda terrible together.”

“Wow, you’re a genius.” Evan takes a pillow and whacks Connor’s chest. He feels reassured though. 

“All I’m saying is in our current state, we’re just.. Doing our best.”

Evan is a fan of doing his best. He nods once, then again like he needs to convince himself because his brain has the tendency to unspool like yarn, and Connor is committed to knitting it back together. “I like that option.” 

“Great.” Connor cups his face, waits for Evan to nod just a tiny bit before Connor closes the distance for a quick kiss. Evan smiles before their lips can part.

“I’m.. I’m happy.” The words feel foreign on his tongue, but Evan knows that in this moment, he is undeniably, unmistakably  _ happy _ .  

Connor scoots over and rests his head against Evan’s shoulder. “Me too.” 

♡

A few days later its Wednesday and Evan sits up in bed, turning his alarm off. He moves mechanically, sliding his shirt on and knotting his shoes. There’s a thrum in the back of his throat, a familiar tightening that coils until swallowing is laborious.

His phone buzzes in his pocket where he shoves his hand, furling and unfurling his fingers. Evan swallows around the lump in his throat and pulls his phone out.

`To: Evangreen`

`From: Connor`

`Morning`

Evan feels his eye twitch. He rubs the spot, then rubs it again. 

`To: Connor`

`From: Evan`

`Morning. Bad Day`

Evan pulls his bag onto his shoulder, watching the bubble that signals Connor is typing his reply while Evan jogs down the steps. His mother is in the kitchen putting his lunch together. The bubble is gone, and Evan’s chest squeezes with a nervous energy. He swallows the river water that clogs his throat. 

“Good morning sweetie, sleep okay?” Heidi squeezes his shoulder, sliding the brown bag of lunch in front of him. 

“Yeah, it was good.” Evan looks at the bag, focusing on the cool surface of the counter and trying not to think of why Connor is taking so long to respond. 

_ He’s just busy. He isn’t ignoring you. _ Evan repeats this again and again.

He realizes that his mother is talking to him, now looking at him expectantly. Right. He needs to respond. 

“S-Sorry, what?”

“You okay hon? You’re a million miles away.”

“Yeah. No, I’m… Sorry mom. I’m fine, just worried about a presentation.” Technically it wasn’t a lie. He did have an English presentation later this week. Heidi opened her mouth to speak at the same time Evan’s phone buzzed on the counter. He jumped, turning it over to see Connor’s name flashing, along with a gross picture Jared had scored from Connor’s old Myspace.

_ “Look, this is comedy gold. Lanky Mclankerson had short hair and those giant spiked bracelets. Hot topic much? Don’t let this go to waste.” Jared said. _

It was Connor’s picture ever since. 

“You can answer it.” Heidi says, tapping the lunch bag to remind Evan of its presence. He’s grateful, snatching the bag and heading for the front door. The cold bites into his nose. Evan swipes across the screen, holding the phone to his ear. 

“Y-Yeah?”

“Hey, I know you don’t like calls, sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Evan interjects. He crackles the knuckles of his free hand. All of his focus is on Connor’s voice, and his boyfriend sounds out of breath. Evan briefly wonders if they’re using titles or not.

“S’ just faster than typing it all out. We’re on our way, Zoe is listening to Elvis today. Hope you like suffering.” Evan hears Zoe smacking Connor in the background. Connor mutters a swear. Evan doesn’t know how to reply, and Connor continues talking. “I’d say about five minutes. If it’s a bad day, maybe we can hang out after school at your place?”

“I’ll.. I’ll see how I feel but, um. Maybe. Maybe, yeah. I like seeing you.”

“I like seeing you too, Hansen.” 

Evan smiles and stops cracking his knuckles to touch his cheek, eyes staring at the ground. His chest feels warmer and the river water is less noticeable. The distraction is nice, however short lived. Evan feels himself unspooling again from the rush of emotions Connor never fails to evoke.

_ Stop lying to yourself. _ He thinks.  _ Why would he want to hang out at your house anyways? His is was better. They have money, remember?  _

“Ev?” Connor sounds worried. Evan is snapped out of his self pity. 

“Y-Yeah?”

“We’re in the driveway.”

“Oh.” 

♡

Evan sits down at the lunch table, wedged in between Connor and Zoe. Jared is unpacking a sandwich and telling Zoe about the viral video of the young yodeler in Walmart. Evan feels a spark of warmth when Connor links their fingers under the table. His face heats up.

“God Evan, you wanna share with the class?” Jared points his sandwich at Evan, turning his wrist.

“W-What?”

“Are you gonna tell us why you look like you just got fu-” 

“Do you ever stop talking?” Alana sets her tray down and joins them. 

Evan’s heart beats until he feels it thudding against his ribs. Connor smoothes his thumb over Evan’s palm, suddenly pulling Evan’s hand up and resting it on top the lunch table. 

Four sets of eyes land on their entwined hands. 

“Oh.” Zoe says. 

“Okay.” Alana says, polishing over the tense air with a cheerful demeanor. For once, Jared is silent. Connor takes Evan’s hand, lifts it to his mouth and presses a kiss to his clammy hand. 

“Problem?” Connor says, and Evan thinks that Connor might kill anyone who objects. It’s the stone cold seriousness that he’s putting off. Evan takes a steadying breath and asks, “C-Can I borrow someone’s math homework?” 

Jared unzips his bag and hands it over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it wasn't THAT big of a choice but what can I say? Nice one Hot Topic.


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More talking in the fic where everyone hates talking !!! Connor has a rough day, Evan cheers him up. Hands wander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again i wrote this in class RIP me but HEY the fluff warmed my heart to write

Evan’s english presentation went well, he decides. For the high standards he sets himself, choking on spit and shaking violently was a total win. He wades through the hall and ignores any signs of river water in his throat.  _ It is not a bad day _ , he thinks, because he feels less crushed by Existing. As he passes through the halls, narrowly avoiding brawls and friends laughing, he meets Connor’s eyes. 

“Hey,” Connor says, clipped.

“H-Hey?” Evan winds himself a little tighter, already analyzing how he could have pissed Connor off in the seconds they had spoken today. 

Seconds, because this morning Connor had barely said a word, and Zoe kept her music low for once. The absence of sibling bickering and fighting over the radio meant that something was wrong. 

Evan shoves both hands in his pockets. He doesn’t know what to say, and Connor looks like he’s struggling to piece something together. Connor opens his mouth to say something, then snaps it shut. Evan winces. Connor tries again. Still, he can’t string the words together how he wants to, and he looks frustrated.

Evan, determined not to be swept away by some unseen current, takes Connor’s arm and hauls him to the closest bathroom.

“We need to get to class.” Connor says, not meeting Evan’s eyes. 

Evan feels like he might cry. His self-esteem has never been high, and now he feels like something bad is going to happen, somehow involving Connor leaving him forever, and the thought of it makes his palms slick. 

“What’s.. What’s wrong?” Evan asks. His head reels a little when he hears a familiar  _ pop, pop, pop _ . Connor takes his hand, squeezing lightly. 

“Cracking your knuckles.” He murmurs, laying Evan’s palm flat against his chest. 

Evan starts talking and he finds he can’t stop. Words tumble out before he can think, and as he goes on and on, he briefly wonders how one teenage boy is so good at ruining every good thing in his life. “You.. You don’t like me. That’s it. A-And you’re going to break up with-” Evan finally stops when Connor grips his hand again, shaking his head and nearly smiling.

“No, Ev.” He says, closing half the space between them.

“O-Oh.” Evan sniffles, rubs the spot under his eye, and looks at their feet. He doesn’t want to look at Connor. He’s picturing the disappointed look in Connor’s eyes. Another person he’s ruining. Maybe that’s why Connor is so off today. 

“I’m afraid you’re stuck with me. I’m.. I’m pretty fucked.” Connor wrings his hands, much like Evan usually does, and finds himself tilting Evan’s chin up. Connor looks for something in Evan’s eyes. Understanding, maybe. He doesn’t know. 

“Y-You’re not.. Not fucked, remember? We talked. We’re just t-trying our best, remember?” Evan manages to smile without his face twitching. His brain is a little scattered. 

“I know- Yeah, our best. It’s.. Today is just…” 

“A bad day?” Evan asks. He reaches for Connor, and Connor shies away. 

“Sensory overload. That’s- I just get it sometimes. I almost broke the fucking blender this morning because it wouldn’t shut up and then mom cried because I started yelling, which means Larry started yelling and..” Tears formed in Connor’s eyes. He wiped them away, forcing himself to look at Evan again. “I’m okay, it’s just been overwhelming. I can’t.. I don’t know, Ev. I have so much trouble dealing with my personal shit. I just want to be  _ better _ , y’know? Not such a goddamn asshole all the time.”

“Y-You’re not an ass to me?” He tries to find a bridge, but Evan is pretty sure all the bridges are firmly blocked off. 

“It’s easier with you. To.. To help you. It’s easier to connect to what you’re feeling all the time. Then I look at myself,” 

Evan hears the bell ring, sealing their fate of detentions for being late. For once, he doesn’t care.

Connor keeps going, his face twisting with anger Evan hasn’t seen before. “And all I see is a disgusting  _ disappointment _ of a son who.. I don’t.. I don’t even know how to not make my mom cry every morning, how fucking  _ pathetic _ is that?” He spits, and Evan waits for Connor to look at him again. It’s silent, except for the swing of the bathroom door and another set of footsteps. Evan shocks Connor, turning and crossing the floor to planting his fist against Rick Moore’s chest. “Get out!” He says with alarming force, shoving back with his full weight.

“Fuck- okay, okay!” The boy steps back out, muttering something to himself. Evan faces Connor, his face red as a tomato. He’s furling and unfurling his hands at his sides, and Evan Hansen knows exactly what he plans to say.

“You’re not a disappointment Connor.” He bites out, his tone dangerously soft. “Not to me, not to Zoe, and not to your mom. We can work on it, okay? Our problems. Instead of letting it take over. I’ll help you.” Evan wants to pull Connor into a hug. He doesn’t. Not sure if Connor’s overloaded senses are okay with that. It’s surprising when Connor pulls him in for a hug. He folds the lankier boy in his arms while Connor sobs into his chest. 

They stay like that for the rest of second period. 

♥

Connor looks a little better at lunch. He even laughs at one of Jared’s shitty jokes. Zoe looks relieved, and Evan looks unmistakably happy as he holds Connor’s hand above the table, leading a conversation on his own accord. 

They welcome Alana when she sits down halfway through the lunch period.

“Student council.” She says with pride. Everyone nods, continuing to shovel food into their mouths. 

“Hey Evan, do you want to come over after school for dinner?”

Evan chokes a little on the mystery meat he’s chewing, because Zoe is the one who asked. He glances between Connor and Zoe. Jared is talking to Alana, so neither of them are paying any attention.

“I’m feeling okay. It’s fine with me.” Connor says. Evan rubs his thumb across the back of Connor’s hand. 

“O-Okay. Cool.” Evan smiles at Zoe, then Connor, feeling his heart swell. The pane of glass that separates him from the rest of the world feels nonexistent. 

♥

After dinner with the Murphys, sans Larry, Evan and Connor curl up on the couch. 

“You should apologize to your mom.” Evan says, his cheek pressed to Connor’s chest. Connor, having eaten a full meal and having the warmth of his boyfriend curling up on top of him, feels borderline euphoric. 

“I will.” He looks at the ceiling. Suddenly, Evan sits up and blocks his view. 

“I’m proud of you.” He says, and Connor swallows around the intimacy of the moment. He can’t help but smile. 

“Thanks Ev.” Connor thinks Evan is going to go back to his earlier spot, however, Evan plants his knees on either side of Connor’s hips, pinning him to the couch. Connor’s heart speeds up.

“E-Ev?” He’s not sure what Evan has planned, but the confidence he displayed in small increments throughout the day has added up, and despite having eaten a full meal, Evan Hansen was looking positively  _ hungry _ . 

“Yes?”

“We’re on the couch. My mom is upstairs.”

“I know. Just kiss me then.” Evan cups Connor’s cheek, smiling down at him in the low light of the living room. 

He leans in and brings their mouths together. Connor sighs against him, bringing his knees in and sitting up. Evan settles into his lap and brings his hands to Connor’s chest. He anchors himself there and kisses Connor with more need, starting to roll his hips.

“You said just kissing.” Connor mouths at Evan’s throat, slicking the skin and biting down. Evan keens, his hips rutting a little faster. 

“Evan.” Connor says. He slides his free hand under Evan’s shirt and toys with his nipple, twisting the hardened bud. It’s a new experience, and Evan writhes in his arms. Connor makes a mental note. 

“Fuck,” Evan whimpers, pushing his shoulders back so Connor will pull harder. Little breaths escape Evan’s mouth joined by a chorus of Connor’s moans. 

“Is that something you like, Ev?”

“Yes.” He pants. “Please, you can pull more, I want it.” 

Connor can’t say no, not when Evan is rutting against him so deliciously, hands fisted in Connor’s hoodie. 

They’re out of breath when the light switches on and Zoe screams. Evan scrambles back, red-faced and stuttering some excuse, and ends up falling off the couch. Connor is laughing. Zoe looks mortified.

“That was our grandma’s couch! She swats at Connor’s arm, looking uncomfortable. Connor shrugs.

“I’ll thank her next Thanksgiving, Zo.”

Evan is fixing his shirt, swallowing and shoving his hand in his pocket. The other hand fiddles with the end of his shirt. He looks between them and finds that they’re looking at him. Zoe looks on edge, and Connor looks like he just won gold in the olympics. 

“You okay, Ev?” He asks, helping the blonde stand. Evan plops on the couch. 

“Yeah. Sorry about the.. The sanctity of your grandma’s couch?” He’s not sure if the couch actually means anything to Zoe, but he feels like an apology is necessary. 

“We could always keep on-”

“I’ll kill you.” Zoe narrows her eyes.

“My mom isn’t h-home?” Evan tries.

Connor looks at him, a smile turning the corners of his mouth up.

“Alright Hansen. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> evan really out here trying to spice things up on the murphys' grandma's couch. wild.


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom? Not yet. Evan and Connor cannot contain their hormones: the sequel.  
> Hope you like some hhhhot times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE WEEK WHO AM I haha please love me I'm so so Tired

Evan wakes up with his head in the crook of Connor’s arm. Slowly, he unwinds himself from the extensive length of Connor’s legs, reaching for his phone and thumbing the button until the time pops up. He squints as the soft glow lights up the dark room and Connor stirs, murmuring something in his sleep. Evan looks from his phone to Connor, the side of his mouth twitching. He reaches and nudges Connor’s shoulder.

“Mm?”

“P-Prom is in a month.”

“What about it?” Connor rubs the sleep from his eyes, unable to piece what Evan is saying together because his brain has yet to wake up. Evan rubs his thumb on his shirt and shrugs. His immediate thought is that Connor doesn’t want to go. Evan starts overthinking, as Evan does for every instance in his seventeen year lifespan, and suddenly he can’t hear Connor over the thrum of his thoughts. 

_ He doesn’t want to be seen with you.  _

_ Why do you always set yourself up for this? Liking you is a warzone, Connor is just avoiding another casualty because prom is social, and you can’t do social no matter how hard you try. _

“Evan,” Evan is pulled from his thoughts. Connor butts his head against Evan’s chest, looking up at him and running a hand through his dark mane. 

“Y-Yeah?” Evan says. Connor reaches up, runs his thumb along Evan’s neck like he’s looking for a pulse.

“Come back.”

“I’m right here.” Evan touches his hand and his brows draw in. Surely Connor Murphy knows he is physically present, although, to be fair Evan often has trouble Existing. 

“No, you’re in there.” Connor scoots up, taps Evan’s forehead and folds his legs in to sit. 

Evan almost laughs. “I live in there. Y-You know that better than anyone.”

“Yeah, yeah. I like you out here though.” Connor continues to scoot until their knees are touching. Evan focuses on the warmth, his eyes trained on the fold of the bedsheet he’s rubbing between his fingers. Connor leans over and kisses his temple. “C’mon Ev, let’s eat something. I’m hungry as fuck.”

“Okay.” Evan rubs the spot behind his ear. He isn’t hungry, he’s willing to bet Connor isn’t hungry either, but this has always been a part of their relationship, even when it was undefined and gross. 

Evan sits on the counter, his feet not quite brushing the floor, and Connor leans his weight back on the countertop, standing taller than Evan despite the boost Evan is getting.

“More than that.” Connor says, laughing around a mouthful of a mini lunchables pizza. Evan takes another bite of his apple, raising his eyebrows to say,  _ Is this enough, mom? _

Connor nods his head the tiniest bit. He turns and starts picking through Evan’s pantry. “Here, eat this too.” 

Evan cranes his head to try and see what Connor is holding. It’s another lunchable, the nacho kind with cheese and salsa, and Evan’s face scrunches up like Jared’s does when he eats something spicy, shaking his head. 

“I hate the salsa.” He mumbles. “C-Can I just eat the apple?”

“Whatever you want, Ev, you just need to eat.”

“You.. You do too.”  _ Pop pop _ . Connor crosses the kitchen, takes the hand Evan uses to crack his knuckles and presses another apple there. There’s a few waves in the river, Evan thinks that they’re noticeable, but it doesn’t consume him like it usually does. He grabs Connor’s wrist when his boyfriend tries to turn away, and Connor ends up standing between Evan’s legs.

“You’ve been so bold lately.” Connor plucks the apple from Evan’s hand and holds it to his lips. The second apple rolls away on the counter, falling to the floor. They don’t notice. Evan wraps his calves around Connor’s thin waist. 

_ Too thin _ . Evan thinks. 

He sinks his teeth into the apple, a satisfying crunch, and Connor watches as the red skin breaks and disappears past Evan’s pretty lips. He laughs, setting the apple down. Evan chews, swallows, and leans in like he wants a kiss. Connor leans back, only getting so far since Evan still has him caged.

“You mentioned prom?” Connor asks, wiggling his brows. “It’s not usually my scene.”

“Because you have an.. An image?” Evan scoots forward, determined to get the kiss he wants. Connor lets Evan kiss his cheek, and the blond huffs.

“Well I was gonna say because I can’t dance for shit, but that's a cooler excuse.” Connor places his hands on Evan’s thighs, gives them each a squeeze and dips down to brush his lips against Evan’s throat.

“S-So do you wanna go?” Evan tips his head back, ready for whatever Connor plans to do. Evan hopes with every teenage hormone crammed into his body that Connor will bite him. Maybe leave a pretty mark. Connor, however, does no such thing, and Evan is feeling desperate.

“Hmm?” Connor seems preoccupied, mapping out the curve of Evan’s neck, feeling Evan’s pulse throb wherever Connor drags his lips. 

“ _ Prom _ .” Evan rasps. Connor sinks his teeth in where Evan’s neck meets his collarbone, his fingers digging into Evan’s khaki covered thighs. Evan is gripping his shirt again, never quite sure on where his hands belong. Connor takes one of Evan’s hands, moving it to the back of his neck. Evan still hasn’t gotten his kiss. 

“Prom. You asking me to go, Hansen?” 

Evan can feel Connor’s smile against his sensitive skin. He groans, tightening the grip around Connor’s waist to find some friction for the ache between his legs. 

“Y-Yeah.  _ Yes _ , please go to prom with me. Please” He chokes out. If Connor doesn’t kiss him soon, bite him again, do something, Evan might combust right there on the kitchen counter. The room feels very warm, warmer than the Murphy’s couch. Evan wonders how far he’s willing to go to soothe the molten heat that pools in his stomach and warms his skin. 

“Are you sure you’re asking about prom? Seems like you want something else Evan. What, is something distracting you?” Connor looks Evan in the eye, their dilated pupils meeting. Connor’s hair is mussed, his face positively glowing, and Evan has light splotches of red on his cheeks, his mouth hanging open just a tiny bit, begging for a kiss. Connor kisses him.

Evan exhales through his nose, almost crying,  _ yes, yes, please don’t stop!  _ But Connor pulls away when they need air, and Evan Hansen thinks that air is overrated. 

“Connor,” His voice cracks. Connor’s face doesn’t change. Hands rest on Evan’s thighs again, and Evan has his full attention. It’s not as terrifying as he expects. 

“Of course I wanna go to prom with you.” He grins. Connor unhooks Evan’s legs from around his waist. “But no matching suits. Color coordination is fine, but matching reminds me of all the shitty family vacation outfits I had to wear.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay.”

“And no yellow.”

“I prefer b-blue anyways.”

“Then we’re set!” Connor claps, steps around Evan’s legs, and slides on the counter without having to jump up like Evan does. Evan pouts about that.

“Connor?” 

“Yeah?”

“You..” Evan follows the stretch of Connor’s black jeaned legs.

_ Pointy _ .  _ He’s kinda pointy. _

“You could probably kill me and I’d say thanks.” He didn’t mean to say that. He did  _ not _ , dear god. Evan leaps to apologize. He bounds forward for the familiar way his tongue wraps around a desperate  _ I’m sorry _ . Connor speaks before he can try.

“That’s the 2018 mood.” 

♡

“You’re going to  _ prom _ ?” Jared looks like he’s going to keel over. Instead, he leans his shoulder against the closest locker.

“I’ll kill you,” Connor slams his locker. Jared laughs anyway.

“Doesn’t seem like your scene, Hot Topic. Wouldn’t you rather like.. Go shoot up a puppy mill?”

Alana appears from the ever flowing mass of students moving through the hall. 

“Jokes about shooting anything up are highly insensitive right now, Jared.” She holds her books to her chest. 

“Shit, yeah, alright, take that one back, but seriously!” They pass through the throng of people and Jared shouts to make sure he’s heard.

“Only way you’re going to prom is if the  _ acorn _ convinced you, and I don’t think he’s capable of convincing anyone of like.. Anything!” Jared holds the straps of his backpack, still on the verge of laughter. 

“It’s hard to say no when he’s -” Connor stops suddenly, recalling with perfect clarity the way Evan was practically begging for non-prom-related physical activities, a hand on the back of Connor’s neck, his mouth just barely open, pleading for a kiss. Connor’s face heats. 

“ _ Oh _ .” Alana says, looks a little embarrassed, like she heard something she wasn’t supposed to. 

“Evan? I don’t want to know. Wait, I do.. No, nevermind! Wait!” Jared swings into the cafeteria with Connor and Alana in tow. Zoe meets them in the middle.

“Evan’s probably a pillow princess.” Jared says, so sure of himself, and Evan takes his seat next to Connor, and  _ what are we talking about? _ Is on the tip of his tongue. Connor glances between the group and clears his throat. The table is quiet.  _ Evan likes to recieve. _ Connor almost says. He keeps his mouth shut. 

“What.. What are we talking about?” Evan shoves his plastic fork into the little bowl of pasta his mom packed. Jared doesn’t miss a beat. Jared never misses a beat for this particular topic he is, without a doubt, lacking the experience in.

“Sex.” 

“Why?” Evan asks. He swallows around the lump in his throat, drumming his fingers on the table. His head swims a little because what if Connor told Jared or Alana? Alana would be fine- Evan didn’t mind, but Jared was the last person he wants Connor to discuss their exploits with. He feels like he’s moving backwards. He doesn’t want to.  _ No, no! I was doing good!  _ He wants to scream.  _ This shouldn’t be happening.  _

The older Murphy sibling breaks the silence.“Drop it.” Connor sees Evan’s discomfort and snaps, “Get off on something else Jared.” The silence is heavy and awkward and Evan wants to curl up into a ball. Alana sits ramrod straight. Zoe focuses on her salad and the mysteries of the baby tomato she’s balancing on the edge of her fork.  

“Okay.” Jared says. He sounds different. The insecurity he tries to hide is peeking out.  _ Like a scared boy, _ Connor notes. Jared opens his mouth to say, “I’m sorry.” There’s a short pause. Evan swallows again, takes Connor’s hand. He doesn’t crack his knuckles. 

“Okay.” Connor says. The tension eases, Connor strokes Evan’s hand with his thumb, and gives three soft squeezes. The fog in Evan’s eyes parts. He turns and looks at Connor, forcing a tiny smile. The rush of the river ebbs and he is home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wild!!! do yall actually want Prom to happen? What did you think of the chapter ?? Lmk!!!
> 
> also message me on https://milkygems.tumblr.com/ , ill probably write side things that don't make it into the fic and take requests. plus I like crying.


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rainy mornings, cute boyfriend things, Evan still has Crippling Anxiety, the squad discusses prom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a third update in like a week??? oh god wow. haha. shit. hi friends! I've been stressing over this chapter but its got a lot of necessary filler. its still got fluff and progress. here we go.

Evan watches a raindrop slide down the Murphy’s kitchen window. He spoons another bite of cereal into his mouth, chewing the Lucky Charms. The tiny raindrop slips down the glass, catching other droplets until it is one heavy bubble. Evan keeps watching, the soft pattering of rain against the glass lulls him into a comfortable numbness. He sees himself as the tiny drop, festers until the collection of water is too full and inevitably plummets to the ground. Connor taps his shoulder and he jumps.

“You okay?”

“Mhm,” Evan says around his Lucky Charms. He wonders if he’s ever okay. 

Connor slides into the chair next to him, scrolling on his phone. “I was thinking about prom outfits.” He reaches over and slots their hands together, stealing the heat from Evan’s hand. Evan nods, taking another bite and getting a good look at what Connor is wearing. A faded band shirt and grey sweatpants. The torn seams show where Connor cut the sleeves off. Evan stares at his arms and thinks about leaning his head on Connor’s shoulder. A nap would be nice. He’s almost finished with his bowl of cereal when Connor speaks again. “I was wondering if you still wanted to wear blue.”

“For you?” Evan asks, a small smile on his face for the picture that pops into his head. 

“For  _ you _ .” Connor laughs. “I dunno what I’m gonna wear yet. M’ sure my parents will have shit to say about whatever I pick.”

“Oh. Well.. Well maybe black? Classic?” Evan speaks softly, trailing off into a whisper like the confidence he begins with tapers off into nothingness. For a moment he feels like nothing. There’s a dull ache in his arm and Evan looks like he needs to be sure. There is no cast and the rain continues to steadily beat against the window. 

Connor sets his phone down. He yawns, letting go of Evan’s hand to stretch. His back pops. Evan cracks his knuckles.

“We can figure it out later. Alana and Jared are going together.” Connor sees Evan’s eyes widen and he tacks on, “Not like that, Hansen. We both know Alana would kill herself first.” 

“ _ Connor- _ ” Evan’s voice cracks. His head swims for a moment. 

“Shit, sorry. You know what I mean.” Connor leans over and gives Evan a quick kiss. Evan pulls back and scrunches his face. 

“Your breath stinks.” He mumbles. Connor huffs into his hand, wafts it back and grimaces. 

“I gotta shower. My hair is past all redemption of grease.”

“Where.. Where’s Zoe?” Now that Evan thinks about it, the house sounds empty aside from the rain and continuous noises Connor makes as he moves about. He is not a quiet person.

“She’s at the aquarium with mom. Rainy saturday and all.” Connor waves his hand nonchalantly. “And dad is anywhere but here. You wanna come with?”

“Where?” Evan asks, breathless. 

“The shower. Or..” Connor grins. “Outside the shower. Put the seat down and talk to me Hansen.” 

Evan can do that. Be near the shower while Connor is in it. He thinks about the unknown variable that is looming over him, molten heat shapes another pane of glass to separate him from the rest of the world. The rain makes the window slick, and the steam of the shower makes the walls wet. He chooses Connor. 

♡

After Connor showers and Evan controls the playlist from the safety of the lowered toilet seat, they change out of their pajamas and head to Alana’s house. Her room, Evan discovers, is as organized as her. It’s borderline OCD. Evan smiles at the comforting order of things. He can handle this social gathering. 

Jared strolls in fifteen minutes late with Starbucks, and Connor forgives him when he makes a second trip with a tray for them all. 

“There’s five?” Connor says, swirling his straw around the half empty contents of his cup.

“Figured the hotter Murphy would be here.” Jared pauses to spoon copious amounts of whipped cream into his mouth. Evan nibbles on the straw of his strawberry frap. 

“She’s at the aquarium.” Connor says. Evan feels his face twitch. 

Jared shrugs and offers no reply. The room feels warm around Evan. He swallows around the unnecessary nerves that lump in the back of his throat, squeezing and releasing over and over. 

Evan tunes out the rest of the dying conversation and takes a mental break.  _ Better to conserve your energy now. You really thought you were gonna glide through this..  _ He looks at Connor.  _ Just because you can kiss him without feeling like you’re gonna throw up? _ Evan wonders if his metaphorical puke would reach Connor, or if the pane of glass would stop the vomit in its tracks. His hands shake. Evan thumbs the end of his shirt, refocusing on Jared and Connor. They almost look like they’re getting along. Evan can see Connor’s smile. His heart warms, the river calms. 

“Sorry I’m late, mom dropped me off.” Zoe says, sitting down next to Alana who Evan realizes has sat with them the whole time, writing what looks like a long list.

“Perfect! I just finished. Jared, attention please.”

“What about Evan? He’s not even listening.”

Evan opens his mouth to say something (another chance to  _ do _ instead of _ letting things happen _ ), but Alana crosses the finish line before he starts the race. 

“Whatever Evan misses I’m sure Connor will tell him.” She says, tapping her gold tipped pen on the front of her pink clipboard.  _ Very aesthetically pleasing _ , Evan thinks. 

“You put too much faith in me.” Connor tosses his empty cup into the floral trashcan Alana has propped next to her desk.

Alana starts outlining their prom schedule. The tickets have been ordered, a set for Connor and Evan, one for Jared and Alana, and a stag for Zoe. 

“There’s a cute girl in my Math class I wanna talk to.” Zoe says. 

“Please god, not Dana P.” Jared groans.

Prom is an estimated three weeks away. Next weekend they will buy dresses and start looking at suits to rent. Connor and Evan are not allowed to go alone to look at suits, Alana says, because neither of them are capable of making fashionable choices. Zoe mentions having a few dresses already picked online. She shows Alana on her phone, and Alana  _ oohs _ and  _ ahhs _ the socially appropriate amount. 

They decide to eat at Olive Garden before, because Jared and Evan hate spicy foods, and their Serious Prom Talk digresses to shitty jokes about the surreal vibe the restaurant gives.

“You see at least three people cry in Olive Garden-” Jared says, gets cut off by Connor,

“-And that’s within the first five minutes!” Connor looks ecstatic. Evan says Olive Garden is a great choice because he likes the booths in the back and the way he gets to have his back in a corner. 

Evan watches Connor loudly proclaim his love for the marginally good restaurant, watches the way his eyebrows shoot up and his jaw ticks a little as his mouth tries to keep up with the speed of his thoughts. Pointy and loud. Evan furls and unfurls the hand on his knee, smiling in Connor’s direction. See? He  _ can _ do this. 

Evan jumps when his phone buzzes on Alana’s wood floor. He picks it up with his shaky hand, jams his thumb on the home button and reads the text. 

“Um.” Evan shoves his phone in his pocket. “I gotta go.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP. I live off of comments so pity a poor writer. Pray Evan gets to go to prom TBH


	7. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has to Talk, Connor does his best due to recent events, and Jared yodels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This hurt to write but here it is, unbetad as usual. Please excuse any mistakes, however, I do like to call Zoe Zo for cute nickname purposes, so that bit isn't a mistake. Thanks for reading!!!

Evan sits down on the couch, tucking his body into an uncomfortable hunch, and his mother sits a few feet away. His phone buzzes in his pocket. Heidi takes a steadying breath, meeting Evan's eyes. The blue in her eyes is rushing water, ebbing and flowing, crushing Evan and unwinding him all at once. The room starts to slip away. Did he do something wrong? 

“I know you’re excited for prom.” She says. 

Evan’s mouth twitches. He cracks his left thumb, brings a hand up to rub his cheek. Evan feels like crying but he doesn’t want to upset her, so he swallows gulps of the river and stays quiet. If he talks he will turn into a blubbering mess and his nose will leak, his face will screw up in an ugly contortion that will show all the anxiety he keeps under a thin mask, and his mother will be forced to deal with him again. 

Evan Hansen is, as the kids say, skating on thin fucking ice. He bounces his leg, feels a cold pain run through his not broken arm.

“I am.” His voice doesn’t crack. Evan sits up a tiny bit, eyes fixated on his shoes.

“I’m excited for you too.” Heidi says too quickly. She sits by him, taking one of his clammy hands into her dainty one. Evan’s head swims. This is the inevitable thing that will always haunt him. Evan is not ungrateful for everything his mother gives. He knows that she works herself down to nothing, and he never catches himself wanting more even when she comes home long after he goes to sleep, but just this once, please, just this once. 

“I don’t think..”  Heidi pauses. “I don’t think we can afford it sweetie.” 

“A-Alana paid for my ticket.” Evan tries. 

He scrubs at the tears that form in his eyes and hopes that it will wipe away his embarrassment. His face is red. Heidi reaches for him again. What would Connor think?  _ Connor will think you’re a loser who can’t pay for one stupid dance. He could pay for ten. I can’t even go to one. One!  _ He slips underneath the current that always laps at his ankles. Evan sinks lower and lower. He thinks Heidi is saying something. It’s probably important. Evan sucks in heaving gulps, screws his eyes shut until red blooms under his eyes instead of black. 

The continuous feeling of imminent death lasts for an unknown amount of time, but Evan becomes coherent enough to know his mom has taken him to the bathroom. He can’t feel his legs and his stomach turns, so he reaches for the toilet lid. Evan cries when he can’t find it. Heidi yanks the lid up and helps Evan sit at the edge while he heaves up some bile. 

“I’m sorry.” He rasps once he trusts himself to talk.

“ _ Honey _ , honey.” Heidi kisses the top of his head, wipes the sweat from his forehead. There’s no point telling Evan it isn’t his fault. She sits with him, Evan curling up on the purple mat that circles the front of the toilet and Heidi on the cold floor. “It’s alright. It’s.. I can pick up some more shifts and we can-”

“ _ No _ !” Evan yells despite the burning in his chest and fact that he’s exhausted to near passing out. “All you do is work. You work and work and work because of me! Y-You don’t even get to live your life because you’re busy living mine for me because..” Evan sobs. “Because I can’t even.. I can’t even live right!” 

_ Or die. _ His subconscious reminds him. The pain in his arm is red hot now. He scratches the skin under it tears and blood wells up, his bitten down nails caked in bits of red. Heidi grabs his arms, keeping them apart. Evan sees the tears in her eyes. 

“Evan, calm down, shh, please, you’ll have another attack. I’m right here, mom’s here.” She soothes him in the way only a mother can, and Evan scoots over and occupies most of her lap. He cries and clings to her shirt until the exhaustion takes over and he passes out. 

♡

Evan wakes up and immediately his bones ache. The soreness goes down to the marrow. He sits up anyway and notices his left arm. For a chilling moment he thinks its broken again, but then he sees the red peeking through, and it’s not a cast, it’s gauze. 

“You fucked your arm up again.” Connor says. He’s sitting in the beanbag Evan usually keeps by his TV, except he’s pulled it over to the side of Evan’s bed. Evan jumps, winces, and scoots back. His boyfriend looks as exhausted as he feels. “You’ve been out like.. A few hours. Thought you might be dead considering you ran from Alana’s and didn’t answer my calls.” 

Evan clears his throat, teetering on the edge of crying again. Did Connor know about the prom situation?

Connor gets up and stands at the edge of the bed. 

“I talked to your mom.”

“O-Oh,” Evan’s throat tightens. 

“Yeah.” Connor waits for Evan to stop picking at the gauze on his arm. “Ev- you know I can like, pay for you, right? Dinner and stuff.”

“I don’t need-” 

“-It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Date’s usually pay for their date’s stuff, right?”

Evan hadn’t thought about that.

“Sometimes.” 

Evan can’t speak above a whisper. He looks up at Connor, with his ratty black T-Shirt and his jeans with holes worn in from use not because he can’t afford new ones, but because he loves the old ones.  _ He loves the old ones _ .  _ Connor loves broken things, including me, because I’m a mess, but I’m still here, trying to get fixed, like the old jeans his mom hates.   _ Evan is a constant in Connor’s life. 

“Hansen, I offered to pay for you and shit and we’ve been sitting in silence for two minutes.” Connor sits on the edge of the bed. 

“Sorry, I was..”  _ Thinking of why you love me even though I’m a complete and total fuck up. _

“Stuck?” Connor tries. Evan nods, looking at his hands in his lap. Close enough.

“Yeah. I.. I guess you could pay for me. If your parents are cool with it?” Each word strains his voice. Evan lets things happen again.

“Yeah, I’ll call mom later. You um.” Connor touches Evan’s good arm and frowns. “You really worried me, Ev. You can’t just run off like that. Jared was texting your mom faster than I could call you.” Connor is proficient at not blowing up on Evan. Evan reaches for Connor then, crushing himself against Connor’s chest. He needs to be held.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Evan nuzzles his face into Connor’s shirt and breathes in his scent. He feels a little better. The touch of warmth he feels explodes into a comforting furnace when Connor lays down and engulfs Evan, wrapping his arms around Evan’s shoulders and moving their legs together. Evan sniffles a little. 

“I’m happy you’re okay.” Connor says. Their faces are level, and Connor touches Evan’s warm cheek, looks at Evan’s tired face and thinks he still looks pretty.

“Can I kiss you?” Connor asks, brining one hand over to cup Evan’s jaw. Evan whines from the back of his throat.

“M-Maybe later, I puked earlier.”

“Point taken.” Connor leans in and brushes their noses a few times. Evan laughs a little.

“An eskimo kiss?” He asks.

“My mom likes ‘em” 

“I like it.” 

Connor grins and bumps their noses again. He scoots down until his face is at Evan’s neck and starts kissing above his collarbone, leaving gentle bites as he goes. Evan sucks in a shaky breath, feeling his dick twitch in his pants. 

“Connor, are you sure-”

“-Yeah, Ev. Don’t have to do anything but this, okay? You deserve to feel good for a few.”

Evan doesn’t argue.

♡

After school on Monday, Jared shrugs his backpack off, throwing it onto Evan’s couch before launching his body over the back of the sofa and landing on top his bag. Evan laughs from the kitchen where he is currently perched on the edge of the counter, swinging his legs. Connor stands to Evan’s left. 

“Stay still.” Connor squeezes Evan’s hand, furrowing his brows. He’s painting Evan’s nails a deep shade of blue. “I’m gonna mess up. Jared, stop shaking the whole ass house!” 

“Live fast, die hard, bad girls do it well.” Jared flips him off from the couch. 

“When is prom?” Connor asks. Evan holds up the hand Connor has finished, blowing on the wet polish. 

“May something. I gotta check to see if my parents are gonna force me to celebrate  _ Shavuot _ this year because it’s at the end of May.” Jared says, looking through the Latest Memes on his twitter. 

“Alright.” Connor finishes the second coat on Evan’s free hand. “Don’t touch anything. I don’t want my masterpiece getting ruined.”

Evan hops off the counter, looking at his hands in the light and laughing again. Connor hasn't left a speck of polish on his skin.

“Real proud of yourself, huh, Hot Topic?”

“Go fuck yourself.” Connor grabs a pillow from the nearest chair, hurling it at Jared who in turn squeaks a full octave higher than his post puberty voice should allow and tries to hit it away. 

“I think they look great.” Evan sits on the chair across from the couch, careful not to smudge Connor’s work. Once Connor is bored with assaulting Jared with decorative throw pillows he sits on the armrest of the chair Evan is occupying and pulls out his phone. 

“Can Zo come over?” Connor ventures since Zoe texted him asking where he was about six times. 

“Say yes.” Jared points at Evan menacingly. “The hotter Murphy won’t attack me.” 

“Of course,” Evan blurts. “Of course, she’s always invited to our hangouts.” 

Connor types something out and Evan listens to the bubbly noises that Connor’s phone makes when he types a letter. Jared pushes his bag off the side of the couch, rolling onto his stomach and scrolling through twitter. He shows Evan another yodeling boy meme. 

“He performed at  _ Coachella _ ! Are you fucking kidding me? I can yodel better than him.” Jared moans, opening his mouth to start screeching. His chorus is cut short when Connor launches another pillow attack. 

Evan smiles, looks at his hands and then Connor, and mouths a little  _ thank you _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah. Hello. Lmk what you thought or liked! Feel free to message me on tumblr @milkygems! God please let these boys go to prom.


	8. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wants to get better. Evan takes a shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends this chapter means a lot to me for reasons I cannot name. I hope you like it! As always thanks for reading, your feedback means the world.

Connor rubs the sleep from his eyes and sits in the chair farthest from Larry. Another week has passed, prom draws closer, and Connor Murphy is subjected to another Weekend Family Breakfast that starts three hours earlier than he would care to be up. 

“Good morning sweetheart,” Cynthia kisses the top of Connor’s head in her passing, and Connor ducks his head down, grumbling under his breath. He sends a text to Evan to update his boyfriend on his mother’s latest Great Idea. Larry looks up from his newspaper for a moment to say hello to Zoe, who emerges in the kitchen with her clothes for the day already on. Connor sits in his pajamas and gathers half of his unbrushed hair into a topknot. He reaches across Zoe to snatch the orange juice without asking. 

They eat quietly, aside from the clinking of forks on plates and the occasional sound of chewing. The Murphy’s eat without a fight, and Cynthia chalks it up as a victory, until Larry grabs Connor’s arm when Connor gets up to put his plate in the sink, and Connor wretches his hand away like he’s been burned. 

“What the fuck?” Connor snaps.

“ _ Language _ .” Cynthia wrings her napkin in her hands, looking at Larry with pleading eyes. 

Larry regards Connor with his usual disinterest mixed with a touch of disapproval. “Are you still smoking?” He asks suddenly. 

Connor narrows his eyes, fixes a fork that was close to falling off his plate, and throws his plate in the sink with a loud clatter before marching up the stairs. Zoe leaves the remainder of her scrambled eggs and toast to follow him to his room.

“Hey,” She stands in the doorway, holding on to the side of the door. 

“What?” Connor looks at her from the spot on his bed. He jams the end of his earbuds into the headphone jack, having fully intended on fucking up his hearing past all redemption. Zoe takes that as an invitation and steps into his room, closing the door behind her. 

“ _ What _ ?” Connor repeats, drawing his brows in and setting his phone to the side. 

“Do you?” Zoe speaks quietly, like she doesn’t want anyone else to hear, and her mom could be listening. Cynthia is, of course, downstairs, probably washing the dishes in quiet, suppressed anger. 

“Do I  _ what _ ? Jesus Zoe, what do you want?”

“Well first I want you to stop being such an asshole.” She jabs a finger at his chest, and Connor clenches his fists at his side. 

“Fine. What else do you want?” Connor looks angry, but its the special anger he reserves just for Zoe. He thinks of Evan and the way Evan pleaded with him to apologize to his mom. Connor knows if he can avoid screaming at Zoe, if he can get through this conversation without making someone else cry, then he won’t have to apologize later. Zoe looks angry now, she’s almost as bad as Connor when it comes to suppressing feelings directed toward her sibling. 

“Do you still smoke weed?”  She says after an uncomfortable pause. 

Connor pulls one leg up and puts an earbud in, looking up at her. His eyes are burning with something Zoe can’t identify. Connor looks down, wipes his eyes, and Zoe reaches to touch his shoulder, her anger dissolving. Connor doesn’t slap her away. Instead, his shoulders quake as he lets out a little hiccup. 

“No.” He wipes his face again, trying to force any tears away. He hates that he’s an easy crier. 

“Oh,” One side of her mouth lifts. “That’s… Good?”

“I know, fuck, yes. I stopped after Evan.”

After Evan? Zoe doesn’t think Evan would ever smoke. It wasn’t in his nature, but maybe he used it to soothe his anxiety? She isn’t sure, so she asks, “Evan was smoking?”

“After I got with him.” Connor scowls at her. “Evan doesn’t smoke.” Connor is on the defense. Zoe raises her hands and cautiously takes a seat across from Connor. They sit in silence for a few moments, Connor picking at the remains of his black nail polish, and Zoe fiddling with the end of her shirt. Connor looks at Zoe’s hands and resists the urge to take her hand. 

“You know if you tell mom and dad you’re clean they’ll probably get off your case.” She smoothes her hair behind her ears. 

Connor shrugs and offers no reply. 

“Well,” Zoe gets up and Connor follows her with his eyes. “I’m proud of you. Even if you don’t tell them.” 

Connor smiles, a tiny, familiar thing that Zoe hasn’t seen since they were younger and closer. 

“Okay. Thanks.” 

♡

The Murphy siblings spend the afternoon in Zoe’s car, driving around the neighborhood as they bicker over where to go. It’s the happiest Connor has felt with her in a long time, and the hope of starting to fix their relationship spurs him on. 

“Can we talk?” He knows talking will risk breaking the surface of the calm water between them. 

“We talked earlier. Do we really want to push it?” She presses next on her shuffled music, and Connor groans as Mariah Carey’s  _ All I Want for Christmas is You _ starts playing. 

“It’s the start of  _ May _ .” Connor pinches his face. 

“I like it.” She hums along, exaggerating the highs and lows to annoy Connor. Connor huffs from his place in the passenger seat.

“I’m serious.” 

“Okay, we can talk then.” Zoe lowers the music, slowing to a stop and putting the car in park in front of a neighbor’s house. 

“I don’t wanna fuck this up.” He gestures between them, looking like a swirl of guilt, regret, and longing all in one. A flashbulb memory of a younger Connor her pops into her mind. Zoe sees him above her, screaming obscenities in her face on her sixth birthday, and then he touches her hand, and the vision disappears. Present day Connor has dark rings under his eyes and looks much skinner. Zoe nods, Connor speaks.

“We talked earlier and it was good. We’re talking now and it’s good and… I need you to know that I’m sorry.”

“You’ve apologized before.”

“I mean it now more than ever.” He lets go of her hand and runs his long fingers through his hair. “I was so fucking horrible to you then- and now too! Even today, I had to talk myself out of screaming at you. I know I’m fucked. I shouldn’t… Shouldn’t pull you down too. I just. This is all to tell you that I’m going to get better. I… Evan helps me a lot.” He admits. “It’s hard to get mad at him. He helps me, and I’m helping myself a little more every day, and I promise I’m going to…  To try to be better because you’re my little sister and I want us to… to work.” 

Zoe wipes her eyes with the heel of her hand. “Me too.” She says, just above a whisper, but the car is silent, and her voice is deafening. Connor nods. She didn't forgive him, and he didn’t expect her to. They both take a shallow, shaky breath, and Zoe shifts the car into drive.

♡

Evan fiddles with his phone until the screen lights up and Connor’s message appears. He sits up in his bed, momentarily admiring the deep blue that Connor painted on his nails last Monday. The polish chipped over the week but Evan was careful not to bite his nails. His phone reads just past nine in the morning, and the date informs him that it is Saturday morning, which means he survived another week of school. Evan tweaks the end of his shirt.

`To: Evangreen`

`From: Connor`

`Hey, mom planned a weekend get away w the fam so me and Zo are gonna be off the grid for awhile. God fuckin help us the Murphys might finally kill each other.`

Evan chuckles and tosses his phone into his bed, pushing himself off the edge. He needs a shower. 

If Connor is going out of town for an unspecified amount of time, Evan will be a little lonely. He could hang out with Jared or Alana, maybe go see the new plant nursery that is opening soon with his mom. He sifts through his drawers and grabs some clothes before retrieving his phone from his bed. Evan heads to the bathroom and turns on the water, pulling the knob so the water sprays from the shower head. His phone buzzes on the counter.

`To: Evangreen`

`From: Connor`

`Gonna miss you Ev`

Evan rubs his jaw, smiles, and swipes across the lock screen to open his phone. He calls Connor.

♡

To be fair, Connor was not expecting Evan to call him. He’s sitting with Zoe under a dying apple tree. The orchard is still closed, and legally they’re trespassing, so Connor turns his volume down just in case.

“What’s up?” He twirls a knot of hair around his finger, listening to the sound of Evan’s shower running. 

“I wanted to hear your voice. When… When are you leaving?” 

“Monday. I think we’ll be back by…” He looks at Zoe. She mouths  _ Wednesday _ , so Connor says Wednesday. 

Evan turns on the cold water to even out the shower temperature and he cradles the phone between his shoulder and ear. 

“Okay. T-That’s not bad. Do you wanna see each other before you go?”   
  


“Mm, I’m with Zo. We can pick you up on the way back maybe.” Connor looks at Zoe. She smiles, nodding. Connor mirrors her, sans nod. 

“Text me when you’re done.” Connor says. 

“Mmkay.” Evan hangs up, and strips his clothes off, getting into the shower. 

He may or may not fuck himself into his hand thinking of Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahah connor wears his hair in a topknot in this chapter because my hair is in a topknot and I love him. I still thrive off of your comments/kudos. Lmk your favorite parts!! Love y'all. 
> 
> feel free to bug me on tumblr @milkygems


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